The Ghost of Christmas Present

In trying to decide how to write the first Schultz family Christmas letter I went through a couple of different themes. First, I entertained the thought of trying to write the letter from the perspective of Delia Arlette Schultz, Maria and I's first child that was born on July 17th. It would be very short (which was the plus) but would have included very limited information. Here is a sample.

"It was dark. Muffled noise. Forced out into the cold. Bright lights. Screaming. Pain. Warmth. Sleep. Many happy faces staring at me all the time. Kind of creepy. More bright lights. More sleeping. More happy faces. Some frustrated faces. Crying. Sleep. Looking around. Crying. Faces. Crying faces. Smiling faces. Toys. I smiling. Rolling over. Scooting. Oh, what's that? I want it. Scoot to it. It gets taken away. Toys. Goofy faces. giggling."

And so on. That is not something I would want to read for an entire letter. Delia is growing in leaps and bounds. It has been amazing to watch her grow and Maria and I can't imagine life without her. We love her very much and can not wait to see what her future holds. I can not put into words how much Delia has added to and changed our lives, so I won't try. I will just move on.

Another theme I thought about was writing in the perspective of Maria's thesis paper, which she has been diligently working on and will soon have completed! Here is a sample of that letter.

"I'm a pain in the butt."

That would be the entire letter. Not much of an update. Maria is very close to being done with that paper, which the entire family is looking forward to. Maria also started a new job this fall, teaching special education at Hayes Elementary in Fridley, MN. She loves her job, even though day to day it can be very challenging. But she is doing great, and she is an amazing teacher.

The last theme I thought about using would be to write in the perspective of my beard. But, that would have just been creepy I think. And really, what could my beard say that would be of any worth? it would just talk about what I have been eating (which would be a long list) and that it probably always has crumbs in it. So, I will spare you those details and just tell you what I have been up to.

I am still working for U.S. Bancorp in their licensing division. That sentence said all there is to say about it. Who knows what this next year will bring for me, career wise. I have some ideas, but none that I am going to share. Mostly because it will probably take many years for it to come to fruition, if it ever does, but hopefully this year will mark the beginning of the process, and I am excited about it. Otherwise, I am learning the role of father and just making a point to take time out to enjoy my new family.

Maria and I are so thankful for all of our family and friends that have supported us and been there for all of these exciting but stressful changes in our lives. And we know all of those same people will be with us as things change even more, as they are apt to do in this life. Just know that Maria, Delia, and I love you all very much and know that our lives are exponentially better with you all involved in it.

Merry Christmas and God Bless!

Adam, Maria, and Delia Schultz

5 Months in 5 Minutes

A Little Withered Wing

First, the facts:

On the evening of November 28th around 8 PM I was holding Delia because she was a little tired and cranky. She was sucking on her pacifier when she decided she wanted to try and sit up, and as the pacifier fell out of her mouth I tried to catch it. But, when I reached for the falling pacifier her little arm came between my arm that held her and my other arm reaching for the pacifier. I heard a little pop and my heart sank. She cried and I knew a fear that I had never known before, that I had broke my beautiful daughter's arm.

We were able to calm her down pretty quickly, and the arm didn't seem to be bothering her. She just wasn't using it to reach for things like she normally would. She was in pretty good spirits, but I just didn't feel right.

So we took her in to the ER. We waited to get her looked at for a few hours while people around us vomited into blue plastic bags they were given by the hospital. Finally we were seen. The doctor manipulated the arm and it did bother Delia. They did x-rays and found that nothing is broken or dislocated. The doctor decided that a splint would be a good idea, just to make sure it heals without her aggravating it. She will get the splint removed on Thursday afternoon. We got home around 1:30 AM.

Delia remains in good spirits and is already rolling and lifting the arm like there isn't anything amiss. Nothing will crush her spirits, not even a gimpy arm.

Second, the feelings:

Initially I was scared. I was so scared that I had seriously injured her arm. If something was seriously wrong I don't know that I ever would have been able to forgive myself.

I was extremely embarrassed. There's nothing that diminishes the confidence of a first time father than hurting your child, even if it was accidental.

But, most of all, I felt like a failure, in combination with being angry at myself. My job as a parent is to protect my child. To keep her safe from danger or injury, to the best of my ability. And, in my mind, that ability was proven to be non-existent when I heard that little pop in Delia's arm. As many times as Maria assured me that it was an accident and I shouldn't be so down on myself, I could not get passed the feeling that I, in one instant, became a terrible father.

Maria was so calm and loving. I think Delia stayed calm because she was (plus her injury wasn't all that bad). But I know it was her patience and positive attitude that prevented me from punching myself in the face.

That is all pretty melodramatic, and I know that I am not a terrible father. I also know that in the long run, this won't be that big a deal. But, this is a first for me, so it feels pretty significant. I still feel guilty when I see her in her little cast. But, I know that I did perform the function of a parent. Yes, it was my actions that caused the injury (I will let the pacifier fall from now on), but I also did what needed to be done to heal our daughter, Maria and I both did. We love her so much that we would have done anything to make sure she was okay, even pay the ER co-pay.

No one will ever be a perfect parent. But it is what one does to correct the mistakes that are made that makes a good parent.

On the plus side, the cast looks a little bad ass. It also reminds me of those little crabs with the one big claw and the little claw, which I think is cute. Regardless of that, I would much rather she not need the cast.

Here is some video of Delia proving that this little cast isn't going to get in the way of rolling around. She is amazing.

October 31st

I love Halloween. It was so incredible to put on a costume and become one of your favorite characters or something you have always been fascinated by. I don’t remember being any character in particular, but I do regret not dressing as Batman or one of the Ninja Turtles (probably Raphael). And my favorite costume was a dinosaur costume that my mother made for me because I always loved dinosaurs (of course now it would have to be a shark costume, but my beautiful daughter achieved that dream for me).

In recent years when Halloween comes around I am no longer given the opportunity to put on a costume. Obviously Trick or Treating is no longer an option after the age of 26, and there isn’t a yearly Halloween party that my wife and I attend, so costumes don’t happen even though we would love them to.

Here is a brief list of costumes that I have wanted to wear the past few years but have not been able to:

The Unabomber
A Uvula


A 1975 Plymouth Valiant

A Platypus

Bill Pullman

But, there is one thing that I would never do, because I know that if I did this thing it would suck out all of the fun of putting a costume on, and that is . . . wearing a costume to work.

I saw a few people in costume today and I couldn’t help but envision how it would look for a person dressed as a bag of M&M’s to be sitting in a cubicle answering phone calls unenthusiastically. Would feeling like a bag of M&M’s make that more fun, or would being frustrated at a phone call make being dressed as a bag of M&M’s completely ridiculous.

Imagine a bag of M&M’s sitting in a cubicle yelling into the phone that the inter-office mail never got to where it was supposed to go and that now the inter-office mail has to get resent and everyone is now behind because it takes a few days for the inter-office mail to get where it is going. Do you feel better about the M&M costume? I wouldn’t.

Does it make sending an email better if you’re wearing cat ears and a furry vest? It just makes it sad, only because it is such a bland environment in the first place.

Maybe these folks are trying to brighten up their work day by doing something that they feel is fun. Maybe they love Halloween more than I do, and they actually have the courage to wear a costume to a place where most people would not or don’t have enough imagination to come up with a costume idea in the first place. I mean, the only costume I considered wearing today was to put on a tie and come to work as someone who actually gives a ---- about my job. So I would have to say, more power to you if you choose to wear a costume to work.

But, all I know is that if I came to work as a uvula it would be fun for maybe the first half an hour to an hour as people arrive at work and go, “Hey! Great uvula costume!” But then it’d be back to business and being a uvula would become hum drum and work would suck away all of the fun of wearing a costume.

This year to celebrate I have just decided to watch as many horror films as I can, and I think this will become my yearly tradition (much to the dismay of my lovely wife, who puts up with my love of the macabre and scary but does not share in it). Of course my other yearly tradition will be going with Maria and Delia out trick or treating (which I can not wait to do). And maybe, just maybe, when she is old enough, Delia will join Dad for the scary movie marathon every Halloween. Because by the time she is old enough for that, she probably won’t be trick or treating anymore.

To finish, I wanted to include one of my favorite scary stories when I was a kid (who am I kidding, I still love it). Happy Halloween!

Sounds

from More Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz

Illustrations by Stephen Gammell

The house was near the beach. It was a big old place where nobody had lived for years. From time to time somebody would force open a window or a door and spend the night there. But never longer.

Three fishermen caught in a storm took shelter there one night. With some dry wood they found inside, they made a fire in the fireplace. They lay down on the floor and tried to get some sleep, but none of them slept that night.

First they heard the footsteps upstairs. It sounded like there were several people moving back and forth, back and forth. When one of the fishermen called, "Who's up there?" the footsteps stopped. Then they heard a woman scream. The scream turned into a groan and died away. Blood began to drip from the ceiling into the room where the fishermen huddled. A small red pool formed on the floor and soaked into the wood.

A door upstairs crashed shut, and again the woman screamed. "Not me!" she cried. It sounded as if she was running, her high heels tapping wildly down the hall. "I'll get you!" a man shouted, and the floor shook as he chased her.

Then silence. There wasn't a sound until the sound of the man who had shouted began to laugh. Long peals of horrible laughter filled the house. It went on and on until the fishermen thought they would go mad.

When finally it stopped, the fishermen heard someone coming down the stairs dragging something heavy that bumped on each step. They heard him drag it through the front hall and out the front door. The door opened; then it slammed shut. Again, silence.

Suddenly a flash of lightening filled the house with a green blaze of light. A ghastly face stared at the fishermen from the hallway. Then came a crash of thunder. Terrified, they ran out into the storm.

Baby Study

Recently Maria and I received an letter from the University of MN congratulating us on our new born child and requesting our permission to allow them to experiment with our child and family. Of course we said yes! It's not very often you get a chance to be involved in a groundbreaking study at the U of MN.

An example of the wonderful studies coming out of the University was the one I was involved in when I was an undergrad.

They were testing whether or not being drunk had an effect on how you respond to certain stimuli. I could see this was extremely important study, even though I could probably have given them their answer right when I read the hypothesis . . . Yes! It does! But, this was going to be a new experience and some money in my pocket.

They had me do a couple of brain games, which I don't quite remember, and then we did the "Clockwork Orange" style portion of the study. After sensors were placed on my person and a conducting gel and cap full of sensors placed on my head, they showed my slide after slide. Some of the images were happy, i.e. puppies, children, candy, and so forth. Others were disturbing, i.e. riot scenes, dead bodies, mean dogs, etc. And others were sexual, i.e naked women, naked men, naked men and women together (you get the idea). And the creepy part about all of this was that the images were mixed, so one minute I was seeing naked people kissing, then a corpse, then a child smiling. I finished and left with a little extra cash and a new experience to learn from.

So that is why Maria and I didn't want to prevent Delia from having a new learning experience like I had. Obviously, not the same study, that would be a bit too much for her developing brain to handle. But, I did hack into the U of MN's research database and found a few experiments that I would like Delia to participate in. They are as follows:

The "Muscle Baby" Study:

This study is to determine whether or not a child's developing muscles can achieve tone and definition as well as added strength.

To do this they intend on giving each child a personal trainer who will do exercises and motivate the child. They will do push ups, pull ups, ab work, cardio (most likely on a bicycle), and weights.

I think Delia would benefit from this study especially if she gains strength. Because she will need that strength to keep boys scared of her. Also, I am pretty curious to find out how much she would be able to bench press after a few months of intense baby exercise. Maybe I could take her to the gym and be her spotter, that would look pretty odd.

The "Franco Effect" Study:

This study's purpose is to find out whether or not it is better to be really good at one thing, or to do a number of things poorly.

The name of this study is derived from the actor James Franco, who has tried, and in my opinion failed, at a large amount of creative ventures. So they would have one group of babies learning multiple skills while not really focusing on getting good at any one in particular to find out if there is one they excel in or if they are just terrible at all of them. And the other set of children would focus on one skill and see if they are amazing at that one thing, or if they would be better off working in an office.

The "Dancing Bear" Study:

The purpose of this study would be to find out if babies like videos of dancing bears.

They will play videos of dancing bears for the babies and see if they like it.

I may disguise myself as a baby just to be able to participate in this one.

The "Music of my Life" Study:

This study will try to determine whether or not a baby who listens to a certain type of music, despite the life they were born into, will being to believe that they are a part of that culture instead of their own.

A child will be placed in a isolated chamber and played a certain style of music exclusively. Obviously they will be visited by their parents and others who will feed and care for them. But those visiting are not allowed to try to influence their baby in any way or give them any family history. This will go on for the child'smost formative years. After the necessary period of time the child will be released into society to find out what culture they identify with. Is our culture learned or genetic? That is a question this study desires to answer.

An example of some of the styles of music the child would be exposed to; rock and roll, heavy metal, punk rock, classical, jazz, hip hop, gangster rap, soul, pop music, polka, and so on.

My hope is to get Delia listening to jazz in this study. I think a baby that could scat would be adorable. I guess they kind of do that anyway, but not with the necessary style.

Paternity Leave - The Finale

Today marks the end of my two weeks of paternity leave. I have mixed feelings.

Part of me is a little relieved. It is extremely stressful taking care of a baby full time. I don't feel the need to mark any specific examples (besides the pee geyser which, thinking back, was more funny than stressful), but just being responsible for another life has so much pressure built into it, and added to that is the pressure of not blowing it, all the while the child is screaming for no discernible reason and all that can be done is guess at what they want. I never wanted someone to be able to communicate so badly. I think that was the worst part of it to me . . . not being able to ask Delia,

"what do you need? I am more than happy to get it for you, just tell me what you want."

And have her say, "Well, stupid, I shat in my pants a couple moments ago, so if you wouldn't mind getting that taken care of that would be great!"

"Great!" I would say, "I can do that for you. Thanks for telling me, despite the obvious attitude."

Also, I think I went through my mourning period for Maria and I's independent life. I miss it . . . a lot. Just being able to come home and enjoy each others company without anything else to focus on. But, this is bringing growth and (I didn't know that this was possible) more love to our relationship. I can not begin to express how much Maria means to me, and seeing that we haven't killed each other in the past 8 weeks takes away the worry of us killing each other for the next several years.

Another part of me is sad that this time I had with Delia is over. It has been incredible to be here to watch her grow and participate in her early life in such a significant way, even though she has no idea (that I know of) that 'dad' was the one fiddling with her the past two weeks. It has just been a really good way for me to bond with her. To start with, since Maria was home with her and essentially the only one feeding her, there was a certain distance there. But, I think this helped to close that particular gap for me.

It is somehow much more difficult to express the joy that I have felt these past two weeks. So I am just going to include this little video I took of Delia this morning. This says more than I ever could about how wonderful she is and how happy Maria and I are to be able to call her our daughter.

I just want to express my extreme thanks to Maria for putting up with me these past two weeks, and helping me build my baby confidence in leaps and bounds. You are definitely my better half.

And thank you, Delia, from the bottom of my heart, for simply being here and enriching our lives in unknown and infinite ways.

Oh, and since I have been home with her, Delia has watched nearly the entire Stanley Kubrick film catalog. I think her favorite was Full Metal Jacket, which surprised me. Delia is just brimmed full of surprises . . . just like her mother.

a brief history of Delia Arlette Schultz

On July 17th, 2011 Maria Arlette Schultz, after 21 hours of labor, gave birth to Delia Arlette Schultz at 9:37 PM. Maria was incredible throughout the labor and I could not have been more proud and amazed by her. She is an incredible woman that I am all too blessed to call my "ol' ball and chain". (I've never called her that, in most cases I refer to her as "my marvelous wife" unless I am talking to her directly, then I just call her Maria.)

The moment Delia emerged I was overwhelmed with joy, both that she was here and she was amazing, but also that Maria could finally be done with the major pain that is active labor. Those hours were frantic and it all felt so surreal. There is no way I can try to explain what I was feeling then, especially since it's been so long. All I can say is this, after the initial rush of unfathomable joy, what was left in me . . . was fear.

I did not sleep at all that night. All I did was worry about Delia, worry about Maria, worry about our future as a family, and whether or not this was something that I could do. Of course I wanted children, of course I was excited that she was here and I could hold her, but no matter of preparation could have made me completely comfortable with the fact that Maria and I (mostly Maria (just joking)) are responsible for an entire human life. Not just the baby years, not just toddler time, an entire life. It's still overwhelming when I think of it that way, but now it excites me, to think of the possibilities of Delia's life. She, literally, could do anything. And it will be fun to see who she becomes.

The past 6 weeks have been pretty great, for the most part. The first day home was stressful and terrible. But, as time goes on, the more we develop the necessary skills and enjoy our time with Delia, watching her change and grow and gain weight (just like her dad). She is beginning to smile a lot, just not quite on purpose yet, and she has started to coo a little bit. It's amazing how such little changes make such a big difference.

Today I started my paternity leave of two weeks. Two weeks of just Dad and Delia. I was worried at first, and will continue to be only less so as the days progress. But, there was a moment today, just after I had fed her for the second time, that she fell asleep on my chest after I had burped her. Immediately my mind went to all of the things I should be doing; laundry, house cleaning, bill paying, etc. But, then I looked out the patio window, which was open and a breeze was coming in, and a beautiful song by Bjork came on, I watched the leaves quiver in the wind and felt Delia breathing on my chest, and I knew that nothing was more important than that moment. It was just a man and his daughter relaxing on a sunny summer day. The only thing that would have made it better was if Maria had been there, sleeping on the couch (or making me a sandwich (of course I am kidding)).

We are a family, and I can not wait for every little moment like that. Because that's what makes all of the stress worth it.