The house stands before you like a once grand gravestone, one withered by nature and neglect.
Creeping vines climb up from the ground, and appear to be trying to pull the house underground.  Nearly all of the windows are broken, the glass crunches under your shoes as you stare up at the door.

You have always been told that this door must remain closed.  Not to keep people out . . .

but to keep something in.

You take a step closer and all of the stories you have heard flood your mind.

Satanic ritual.

Probably just a rumor.  The wind blows dead leaves across the yard.  The stars seem to dim as you approach the front step.

Patricide.

A tragedy, but something that does happen and was explained by abuse and mental illness.  You flip the switch on your flashlight, the beam concentrates on the door handle.

Suicide.

No previous history of mental illness, and a rambling note that spoke of whispered voices coming from the attic, dark figures watching everything, and blood pouring out of faucets.  Extremely strange, but a sudden psychotic break has been known to happen.

Missing children.

Your hand grasps the handle and begins to open the door.

Missing pets.  Orbs.  A talking deer head trophy.

The silly stories give you small comfort while the door swings open with a creak.  All that comfort drops away as you stare inside.

The wood floors buckle and bend as if they can no longer contain all the bodies buried beneath.  There is a dark stain on the hand rail leading upstairs, it is smeared nearly the entire length of the rail.  What torn curtains remain shiver slightly, as if a hand has just brushed over them.

Your terror is great, but your curiosity is stronger.  You are compelled to step inside.  Maybe this will turn out to be nothing.  Maybe you will experience the supernatural and live to tell the tale.

Maybe you will never be heard from again.

Halfway up the stairs you hear the front door creak closed behind you.

Your body crawls with goosebumps.


*art by Ryan Hanson

Family Dance Night Discovery

Horrific Life Lessons

Horror movies are meaningful.  The good ones (let’s face it, there are some pretty awful ones out there) explore society’s fears, shine a light on our own shortcomings and hypocrisies, make us ask hard questions about morality and faith, and provide catharsis in letting us experience our worst fears without having to experience them in reality.  For many, horror films are their roller coasters, that fun shot of adrenaline that makes them feel alive. 

I watch horror films for all of these reasons.  Sometimes they are just fun.  Sometimes they are art.  Sometimes they are all of these things.  The extremes in emotions that you experience when you watch a truly great horror film can make the best of dramas pale in comparison.

However, there are so many important life lessons that can be learned from horror films as well.  The Brothers Grimm understood this.  In their original fairy tales, the stories contained extreme horror and frightening imagery.  But, they also contained morals and lessons.  I think horror films still contain these messages.

I have compiled a list of lessons that I have learned from some of my favorite horror films, and wanted to share them.  Yes, some of these situations might seem pretty specific and it might seem unlikely that you would ever find yourself in that situation.  But, please, take heed and be wary, because you never know when all Hell might break loose.

1. Anyone with button eyes is not to be trusted. 

2. Don’t be a teenager. 

3. Just avoid babysitting altogether.

  

4. If you need an inhaler, tape it to your body somewhere for easy access.  Also, if you’re told to avoid the basement . . . avoid the basement. 

5. If you end up in an old house in rural Texas with a huge amount of morbid taxidermy hanging about, excuse yourself immediately.

6. When you suspect a loved one is possessed by the devil, remove, from that person’s room, any objects that have the potential of being shoved into any orifice. 

 

7. When you are visiting the cemetery and you spot a suspicious person shuffling and groaning, don’t try to make small talk, destroy their brain and find someplace safe to hide away for the rest of your life.

8. If a murdered serial killer starts inhabiting your nightmares . . . just throw in the towel (or the bed-sheets). 

8. If you are on the lamb, and need to place to stay for the night, do yourself a favor, don’t stop at the first hotel you see.  Drive on and stay at a Holiday in or something. 

9. No matter how good it looks, don’t eat the damn grape. 

  

10. Don’t live in a house built on a native burial ground.

11. There is a chalky under taste.  Don’t eat it.  Don’t let the old lady into your home.   She is a Satanist. 

12. Again . . . don't be a teenager.

13. If you find yourself in a situation where you are in the Antarctic, and anyone in your group could be a murderous shape-shifting alien, just take the chance and kill everyone else.  It will stop the alien from escaping and save humanity, unless you are an alien too . . . so . . . in that case it may be time for you to check out as well. 

14. Don’t stay in creepy cabins in the middle of nowhere, and if you do find yourself inhabiting one of these places, for God’s sake, don’t play the reel to reel that reads out the spell in the Necronomicon that unleashes the evil in the woods.

15. You’re in a hotel, it’s winter, you’re stuck there . . . figure out a way to blow off some steam, or you may do something you regret. 

16. Start with a bigger boat. 

 

Delia : Year One

I originally intended to write some "clever" post about Delia's first year of life, and as I wrote it I realized it all felt a little flat.

There is absolutely no way I could express how deeply Maria and I love and cherish our daughter.  Or how happy we are that we have been able to keep her alive for a full year!  We have got to witness her first smile, which quickly turned into laughs.  He first steps, which rapidly became walking and getting into trouble.  Her first words; mama, dada, hi, bye bye, peas (please), all done (which she uses to try to get out of car rides now), and many more to come.  

We got to take her swimming for the first time, and see first hand what pure joy looked like (not to mention it swelled my heart because I too love swimming).  We took her to Colorado on her first big trip, and despite some interesting events (wild fires and throw up), we made memories we will always cherish.  Not to mention the time spent with Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, Pep peps and Zias, enjoying the simple pleasure of spending time with those we love, and seeing Delia love those people too.

She is an amazing person.  It is marvelous to watch her learn, it is one of our favorite things when we find something that makes her laugh, and it is unbelievable to think it has only been one year.

It hasn't all been perfect; sleepless nights, temper tantrums, rejected food, and just plain getting into trouble.  But, all that seems to drop from our minds when Delia looks at us with that precious smile and says, "hi!"

What year two brings, I don't know.  Personally, I am just kind of picking this stuff up as we go.  But, regardless of that it is going to be exciting.  Delia changes so much day to day, I can't begin to know what she will be like when she turns two.  Maria probably does know, but I have asked her not to tell me, as to not ruin the surprise. 

No more words.  Pictures and videos, that's what people really want to see.

First, a video Maria put together of Delia demolishing her birthday cake, shot during Delia's first birthday party.

 

Now, a few pictures.

A Song for Mommy

Delia's first steps!

Very Little Self Worth(ington)

Disclaimer

All of the information contained in this blog, other than my opinion, was lifted from Wikipedia . . . so who the hell knows if it is correct or not.  But, really, in the context of this entry, it shouldn't matter.

JUST THE FACTS

Worthington is a city in Nobles County, Minnesota, United States. The population was 12,764 at the 2010 census. It is the county seat of Nobles County.
The city's site was first settled in the 1870s as Okabena Station on a line of the Chicago, St. Paul, Minneapolis and Omaha Railway, later the Chicago and North Western Railway (now part of the Union Pacific Railroad) where steam engines would take on water from adjacent Lake Okabena. More people entered along with one A.P. Miller of Toledo, Ohio, under a firm called the National Colony Organization. Miller named the new city after his wife's maiden name.

A BRIEF HISTORY

This colony – the National Colony – was to be a village of temperance with a capital “T”, a place where evangelical Methodists, Presbyterians, Congregationalists and Baptists could live free of the sins of alcohol. A town was plotted, and the name was changed from the Okabena Railway Station to Worthington, Worthington being the maiden name of Dr. Miller’s mother-in-law.

Settlers poured into the region. It was the age of the Homestead Act when 160 acres (0.65 km²) of government land could be claimed for free. All one had to do was live on the land and “improve” it, a vague phrase if ever there was one. In such an atmosphere, settlers without connection to the National Colony also arrived in great number, and few of those were temperance activists. Scandinavian, German, and Irish immigrants were among those who came. American-born settlers invariably included many hardened – and hard-drinking – Civil War veterans hungry for free land. A curious event took place on Worthington’s very first Fourth of July celebration. Hearing that there was a keg of beer in the Worthington House Hotel, Professor Humiston entered the hotel, seized the keg, dragged it outside, and destroyed it with an axe. A witness described what happened next:

''Upon seeing this, the young men of the town thought it to be rather an imposition, and collected together, procured the services of the band, and under the direction of a military officer marched to the rear of the hotel, and with a wheelbarrow and shovel took the empty keg that had been broken open, and playing the dead march with flag at half staff marched to the flagpole in front of Humiston’s office where they dug a grave and gave the empty keg a burial with all the honors attending a soldier’s funeral.



They then, with flag at full mast and with lively air, marched back to the ice house, procured a full keg of beer, returning to the grave, resting the keg thereon. Then a general invitation was given to all who desired to partake, which many did until the keg was emptied… In the evening they reassembled, burning Prof. Humiston in effigy about 10 p.m. Thus ended the glorious Fourth at Worthington, Minn. —Sibley Gazette July 5, 1872

WHY WORTHINGTON:

or How I Saw A Billboard And Worried About Worthington

On Friday, April 20th my wife, her friend Natalie, and I were driving on I-90 to Wells, MN to celebrate a friend's wedding.  As we took the exit towards Alden, MN (which we needed to take to get to Wells (I am just trying to give people an accurate portrayal of our actions and why they were taken)) I noticed the billboard that you see above.  It struck me as odd.  It took me a few moments to register what I saw.  I had to mull it over a couple times.

"Worthington - You'll come to love us."

This does not sound like a positive town slogan.  Worthington has apparently thrown in the towel.  They feel that they don't have much to offer initially, but know that if people stick around they will like it there, at the very least.  They see themselves as an acquired taste, like coffee or dipping fried onions in chocolate.  I imagine that when Worthington decided o this slogan this was the statement released by the city council:

"We all had the same experience.  We didn't want to move here, but we ended up here, and at first it was pretty damn awful.  But, we all came around, didn't we?"

End of statement.

Not only does it cast the dark shadow of low expectations over anyone thinking of living there, it also sounds like the rantings of a stalker trying to convince the woman he has been following that she will love him, someday.  Let's say Worthington was trying to get you to move there, and gave you a call. 

After a few moments of heavy breathing into the phone.

"Hello, who is this?" you ask.

More heavy breathing.

"Answer me or I am hanging up."

"No!  Don't hang up!  It's me, Worthington."

"I told you to stop calling me, Worthington.  I could call the police and have you arrested."

"You wouldn't do that . . . you like it when I call." More heavy breathing and a grunt caused by a possible pelvic thrust.

"What do you want, Worthington?  I'll give you two minutes, then I am hanging up."

"Okay, okay.  Just . . . I just need you to move here."

"No!"

"We have a lake?"

"So does every town in Minnesota."

"Our lake is for skinny dipping."  If you could see Worthington through the phone, you would see it's eyes close as it imagines you skinny dipping in it's lake.

"I'm hanging up," you say angrily.

"No!  Just one more minute!  What's the name of the town you live in now?"

"None of your business."

"It's New Ulm, isn't it?"

"Maybe" As you think of New Ulm you twirl your hair.  You have a big crush on New Ulm.

"You'll leave New Ulm for me . . . I know you will.  New Ulm wouldn't treat you as good as I would treat you."

"Whatever, Worthington, goodbye!" As you begin to hang up the phone you here Worthington gasp,

"You'll come to love me!"

*Click.

Honestly, I don't recall ever having been to Worthington.  And maybe that is because the slogan is right on.  Maybe I have been there, but I wasn't there long enough to enjoy the acquired taste.  But, I think it was a poor PR move on there part.  Why not play up King Turkey Day?  A day in which they host the Great Gobbler Gallop?  Why not celebrate the fact that Tim O'Brien, author of the best selling book "The Things They Carried", grew up there?

This town, during it's first ever Fourth of July held a military burial for a damn keg of beer.  Worthington knows how to throw a party, it knows how to get down.  Who wouldn't want to live in a town like that?

In a time when everybody is trying to raise their self esteem, I think we should hold an intervention with Worthington and try to bring out some positive opinions of itself.  Worthington needs to develop some self worth (mmmm, delicious puns).

Here's a slogan off the top of my head, Worthington, take it or leave it.

"Worthington - At least we're not Albert Lea"

Sure, you may not be the best city in the state of Minnesota, but I am sure you're still better than some.  Why don't you start acting like it?