Maria had a text book from her undergraduate studies that she gave me to read since we will soon become parents, Parenting in Contemporary Society. When she handed me the book she did not say, "you need to read this because of the two of us you have the higher chance of f---ing this up." She just gave it to me because she thought I might find it interesting, and I have.
I have only made it to page 6 (it's pretty dense (a.k.a. little letters)). But in those six pages it has managed to both excite and worry me a great deal. I especially enjoyed the part about how many marriages suffer because of children. Lucky for us we are having this child to solve the problems we are having. Of course I am kidding, I love Maria so much it hurts and I will love the little lady a huge amount as well. I know there is going to be stressful situations, and stress placed on the marriage, but we love each other (and our soon-to-be new born child) enough to get through it, with the help of God.
But, what I found really interesting was the reasons that people have children.
"The subjects in the . . . study saw parenthood as a way to contribute to society, achieve immortality, experience love and life's fuller meaning, remember and re experience their own childhood, achieve sex role fulfillment, stimulate feelings of pride, and achieve personal growth."
Some of these seemed surprisingly selfish to me. For example, to achieve personal growth or to stimulate feelings of pride. Those may be valid reasons for some, and please if you had children for those reasons please don't be mad at me, but to achieve personal growth wouldn't it be easier to take a pottery class in the evenings or take up jogging? Those could also stimulate feelings of pride. "I jogged a marathon today" or "My pottery will be featured in this months Pots on Pots magazine" (which is a magazine which features artful pottery placed on toilets, classy). I'm swelling with pride just pretending to have accomplished those things.
But, then I think about it, why am I having a child? I am not going to presume to know Maria's reasons. But I will say that she is the most caring and loving person, so I bet it is so she has a little human doll. Just kidding. Maria loves children and is going to be an amazing mother, and I am sure her reasons are nothing but noble.
I don't know if I can pin down my "one reason" that I want this child. For a while I didn't think I would ever have children because I wouldn't ever get married. But, when Maria and I started dating that all changed. I could see myself getting married, then we got married. Then I could see myself having a child, but, to be honest, the excitement about having a child didn't really hit me until after we found out Maria was pregnant. Before that happens, it's just a vague idea. "Yeah, we would like to have children some day." You think about having a baby for a little while, then you get excited about taking your older kids camping or knife throwing (that last one might just be for Maria and I, who are both avid knife tossers). Then you think about the teen years and how much fun that will be.
Then you start trying and it gets a little more real, but it still doesn't hit home. Then it happens. Your wife calls you at work one day with news that blindsides you with joy and fear and you sit in a conference room stunned, trying to wrap your head around the idea that you will both be responsible for a human life. It's difficult to describe, but your heart is full of love and your head is full of worry. At that point I didn't entertain the thought "why do I want kids." At that point it's, "we are having a child, can we do that?" Well, too late for that now. We can and we will and we will do our best.
Why? I like the statement that it's to "experience love and life's fuller meaning." I have experienced love throughout my life, my mom and dad (who are going to be incredible grandparents), my brother (the best uncle ketchup could ask for), my beautiful wife, her parents (already awesome grandparents and will continue to be so), her sister and her husband (magnificent aunt and uncle), our niece and nephew (cool cousins), and all of our friends (loving pep peps and TBA auntie nickname), and our families (great extensions). But, this will be a love that I can not even conceive of right now. Just feeling her kick Maria in her uterus (way to go little lady!) I feel my heart well up in a way that is new to me. I have a feeling this is as close as I will ever get to the way God feels about us, and that will shed a new light on a faith that can only grow.
There is no doubt that this will show "life's fuller meaning" in a way that I won't comprehend until I am in it, or even after she has moved off to join a convent (men are evil, Little Lady, don't forget it). I am excited to find out how much she will teach us, probably more than we will teach her. I am excited to see how much like Maria and I she will be, but even more so how different she will be. I am just so excited to meet this new person and I pray that I don't screw her up by letting her watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Ren and Stimpy with me. We won't get into the Stanley Kubrick films until she's at least 12.
I do know one thing that I want to teach her though, and this refers to the title of this blog ("finally!" say the reader(s)), I want her to start thinking about what she wants to do with her life earlier than I did, what her calling is. Do not misinterpret, I love my life. I couldn't ask for anything better. Only in the work department do I feel a little disheartened at times. And this is not the end of the line. I will not be there forever, I will find something that makes me happy to do 8 hours a day. Even if it is being a stay at home dad (breadwinner Maria, make this happen *wink*) which I would love.
I just want my child to know that it is important to think about what calling she feels that she is being drawn to. What path she is being lead to take. What work would make her heart full. And, no doubt, she will be amazing at whatever it is and Maria and I will support her in her dreams. Even if all she wants to do is cure cancer, even something as minuscule as that, we will be proud of her.
Just thinking about our daughter pursuing her dreams makes me want to work at achieving mine (whatever they may be, I'm a little preoccupied at the moment). And I will.
Maybe this is what the book meant by "achieve personal growth", having this child makes me want to become a better person so that she has someone to look up to. Maria has that in the bag, I will do my best to make that happen on my end.
I love you little lady, I hope to meet you soon.
Maria, a special message to you . . .
"Push her out, push her out, WAAAAAAAAAAAAY OUT!"
