October 31st

I love Halloween. It was so incredible to put on a costume and become one of your favorite characters or something you have always been fascinated by. I don’t remember being any character in particular, but I do regret not dressing as Batman or one of the Ninja Turtles (probably Raphael). And my favorite costume was a dinosaur costume that my mother made for me because I always loved dinosaurs (of course now it would have to be a shark costume, but my beautiful daughter achieved that dream for me).

In recent years when Halloween comes around I am no longer given the opportunity to put on a costume. Obviously Trick or Treating is no longer an option after the age of 26, and there isn’t a yearly Halloween party that my wife and I attend, so costumes don’t happen even though we would love them to.

Here is a brief list of costumes that I have wanted to wear the past few years but have not been able to:

The Unabomber
A Uvula


A 1975 Plymouth Valiant

A Platypus

Bill Pullman

But, there is one thing that I would never do, because I know that if I did this thing it would suck out all of the fun of putting a costume on, and that is . . . wearing a costume to work.

I saw a few people in costume today and I couldn’t help but envision how it would look for a person dressed as a bag of M&M’s to be sitting in a cubicle answering phone calls unenthusiastically. Would feeling like a bag of M&M’s make that more fun, or would being frustrated at a phone call make being dressed as a bag of M&M’s completely ridiculous.

Imagine a bag of M&M’s sitting in a cubicle yelling into the phone that the inter-office mail never got to where it was supposed to go and that now the inter-office mail has to get resent and everyone is now behind because it takes a few days for the inter-office mail to get where it is going. Do you feel better about the M&M costume? I wouldn’t.

Does it make sending an email better if you’re wearing cat ears and a furry vest? It just makes it sad, only because it is such a bland environment in the first place.

Maybe these folks are trying to brighten up their work day by doing something that they feel is fun. Maybe they love Halloween more than I do, and they actually have the courage to wear a costume to a place where most people would not or don’t have enough imagination to come up with a costume idea in the first place. I mean, the only costume I considered wearing today was to put on a tie and come to work as someone who actually gives a ---- about my job. So I would have to say, more power to you if you choose to wear a costume to work.

But, all I know is that if I came to work as a uvula it would be fun for maybe the first half an hour to an hour as people arrive at work and go, “Hey! Great uvula costume!” But then it’d be back to business and being a uvula would become hum drum and work would suck away all of the fun of wearing a costume.

This year to celebrate I have just decided to watch as many horror films as I can, and I think this will become my yearly tradition (much to the dismay of my lovely wife, who puts up with my love of the macabre and scary but does not share in it). Of course my other yearly tradition will be going with Maria and Delia out trick or treating (which I can not wait to do). And maybe, just maybe, when she is old enough, Delia will join Dad for the scary movie marathon every Halloween. Because by the time she is old enough for that, she probably won’t be trick or treating anymore.

To finish, I wanted to include one of my favorite scary stories when I was a kid (who am I kidding, I still love it). Happy Halloween!

Sounds

from More Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz

Illustrations by Stephen Gammell

The house was near the beach. It was a big old place where nobody had lived for years. From time to time somebody would force open a window or a door and spend the night there. But never longer.

Three fishermen caught in a storm took shelter there one night. With some dry wood they found inside, they made a fire in the fireplace. They lay down on the floor and tried to get some sleep, but none of them slept that night.

First they heard the footsteps upstairs. It sounded like there were several people moving back and forth, back and forth. When one of the fishermen called, "Who's up there?" the footsteps stopped. Then they heard a woman scream. The scream turned into a groan and died away. Blood began to drip from the ceiling into the room where the fishermen huddled. A small red pool formed on the floor and soaked into the wood.

A door upstairs crashed shut, and again the woman screamed. "Not me!" she cried. It sounded as if she was running, her high heels tapping wildly down the hall. "I'll get you!" a man shouted, and the floor shook as he chased her.

Then silence. There wasn't a sound until the sound of the man who had shouted began to laugh. Long peals of horrible laughter filled the house. It went on and on until the fishermen thought they would go mad.

When finally it stopped, the fishermen heard someone coming down the stairs dragging something heavy that bumped on each step. They heard him drag it through the front hall and out the front door. The door opened; then it slammed shut. Again, silence.

Suddenly a flash of lightening filled the house with a green blaze of light. A ghastly face stared at the fishermen from the hallway. Then came a crash of thunder. Terrified, they ran out into the storm.

Baby Study

Recently Maria and I received an letter from the University of MN congratulating us on our new born child and requesting our permission to allow them to experiment with our child and family. Of course we said yes! It's not very often you get a chance to be involved in a groundbreaking study at the U of MN.

An example of the wonderful studies coming out of the University was the one I was involved in when I was an undergrad.

They were testing whether or not being drunk had an effect on how you respond to certain stimuli. I could see this was extremely important study, even though I could probably have given them their answer right when I read the hypothesis . . . Yes! It does! But, this was going to be a new experience and some money in my pocket.

They had me do a couple of brain games, which I don't quite remember, and then we did the "Clockwork Orange" style portion of the study. After sensors were placed on my person and a conducting gel and cap full of sensors placed on my head, they showed my slide after slide. Some of the images were happy, i.e. puppies, children, candy, and so forth. Others were disturbing, i.e. riot scenes, dead bodies, mean dogs, etc. And others were sexual, i.e naked women, naked men, naked men and women together (you get the idea). And the creepy part about all of this was that the images were mixed, so one minute I was seeing naked people kissing, then a corpse, then a child smiling. I finished and left with a little extra cash and a new experience to learn from.

So that is why Maria and I didn't want to prevent Delia from having a new learning experience like I had. Obviously, not the same study, that would be a bit too much for her developing brain to handle. But, I did hack into the U of MN's research database and found a few experiments that I would like Delia to participate in. They are as follows:

The "Muscle Baby" Study:

This study is to determine whether or not a child's developing muscles can achieve tone and definition as well as added strength.

To do this they intend on giving each child a personal trainer who will do exercises and motivate the child. They will do push ups, pull ups, ab work, cardio (most likely on a bicycle), and weights.

I think Delia would benefit from this study especially if she gains strength. Because she will need that strength to keep boys scared of her. Also, I am pretty curious to find out how much she would be able to bench press after a few months of intense baby exercise. Maybe I could take her to the gym and be her spotter, that would look pretty odd.

The "Franco Effect" Study:

This study's purpose is to find out whether or not it is better to be really good at one thing, or to do a number of things poorly.

The name of this study is derived from the actor James Franco, who has tried, and in my opinion failed, at a large amount of creative ventures. So they would have one group of babies learning multiple skills while not really focusing on getting good at any one in particular to find out if there is one they excel in or if they are just terrible at all of them. And the other set of children would focus on one skill and see if they are amazing at that one thing, or if they would be better off working in an office.

The "Dancing Bear" Study:

The purpose of this study would be to find out if babies like videos of dancing bears.

They will play videos of dancing bears for the babies and see if they like it.

I may disguise myself as a baby just to be able to participate in this one.

The "Music of my Life" Study:

This study will try to determine whether or not a baby who listens to a certain type of music, despite the life they were born into, will being to believe that they are a part of that culture instead of their own.

A child will be placed in a isolated chamber and played a certain style of music exclusively. Obviously they will be visited by their parents and others who will feed and care for them. But those visiting are not allowed to try to influence their baby in any way or give them any family history. This will go on for the child'smost formative years. After the necessary period of time the child will be released into society to find out what culture they identify with. Is our culture learned or genetic? That is a question this study desires to answer.

An example of some of the styles of music the child would be exposed to; rock and roll, heavy metal, punk rock, classical, jazz, hip hop, gangster rap, soul, pop music, polka, and so on.

My hope is to get Delia listening to jazz in this study. I think a baby that could scat would be adorable. I guess they kind of do that anyway, but not with the necessary style.