The Ghost of Christmas Present

In trying to decide how to write the first Schultz family Christmas letter I went through a couple of different themes. First, I entertained the thought of trying to write the letter from the perspective of Delia Arlette Schultz, Maria and I's first child that was born on July 17th. It would be very short (which was the plus) but would have included very limited information. Here is a sample.

"It was dark. Muffled noise. Forced out into the cold. Bright lights. Screaming. Pain. Warmth. Sleep. Many happy faces staring at me all the time. Kind of creepy. More bright lights. More sleeping. More happy faces. Some frustrated faces. Crying. Sleep. Looking around. Crying. Faces. Crying faces. Smiling faces. Toys. I smiling. Rolling over. Scooting. Oh, what's that? I want it. Scoot to it. It gets taken away. Toys. Goofy faces. giggling."

And so on. That is not something I would want to read for an entire letter. Delia is growing in leaps and bounds. It has been amazing to watch her grow and Maria and I can't imagine life without her. We love her very much and can not wait to see what her future holds. I can not put into words how much Delia has added to and changed our lives, so I won't try. I will just move on.

Another theme I thought about was writing in the perspective of Maria's thesis paper, which she has been diligently working on and will soon have completed! Here is a sample of that letter.

"I'm a pain in the butt."

That would be the entire letter. Not much of an update. Maria is very close to being done with that paper, which the entire family is looking forward to. Maria also started a new job this fall, teaching special education at Hayes Elementary in Fridley, MN. She loves her job, even though day to day it can be very challenging. But she is doing great, and she is an amazing teacher.

The last theme I thought about using would be to write in the perspective of my beard. But, that would have just been creepy I think. And really, what could my beard say that would be of any worth? it would just talk about what I have been eating (which would be a long list) and that it probably always has crumbs in it. So, I will spare you those details and just tell you what I have been up to.

I am still working for U.S. Bancorp in their licensing division. That sentence said all there is to say about it. Who knows what this next year will bring for me, career wise. I have some ideas, but none that I am going to share. Mostly because it will probably take many years for it to come to fruition, if it ever does, but hopefully this year will mark the beginning of the process, and I am excited about it. Otherwise, I am learning the role of father and just making a point to take time out to enjoy my new family.

Maria and I are so thankful for all of our family and friends that have supported us and been there for all of these exciting but stressful changes in our lives. And we know all of those same people will be with us as things change even more, as they are apt to do in this life. Just know that Maria, Delia, and I love you all very much and know that our lives are exponentially better with you all involved in it.

Merry Christmas and God Bless!

Adam, Maria, and Delia Schultz

5 Months in 5 Minutes

A Little Withered Wing

First, the facts:

On the evening of November 28th around 8 PM I was holding Delia because she was a little tired and cranky. She was sucking on her pacifier when she decided she wanted to try and sit up, and as the pacifier fell out of her mouth I tried to catch it. But, when I reached for the falling pacifier her little arm came between my arm that held her and my other arm reaching for the pacifier. I heard a little pop and my heart sank. She cried and I knew a fear that I had never known before, that I had broke my beautiful daughter's arm.

We were able to calm her down pretty quickly, and the arm didn't seem to be bothering her. She just wasn't using it to reach for things like she normally would. She was in pretty good spirits, but I just didn't feel right.

So we took her in to the ER. We waited to get her looked at for a few hours while people around us vomited into blue plastic bags they were given by the hospital. Finally we were seen. The doctor manipulated the arm and it did bother Delia. They did x-rays and found that nothing is broken or dislocated. The doctor decided that a splint would be a good idea, just to make sure it heals without her aggravating it. She will get the splint removed on Thursday afternoon. We got home around 1:30 AM.

Delia remains in good spirits and is already rolling and lifting the arm like there isn't anything amiss. Nothing will crush her spirits, not even a gimpy arm.

Second, the feelings:

Initially I was scared. I was so scared that I had seriously injured her arm. If something was seriously wrong I don't know that I ever would have been able to forgive myself.

I was extremely embarrassed. There's nothing that diminishes the confidence of a first time father than hurting your child, even if it was accidental.

But, most of all, I felt like a failure, in combination with being angry at myself. My job as a parent is to protect my child. To keep her safe from danger or injury, to the best of my ability. And, in my mind, that ability was proven to be non-existent when I heard that little pop in Delia's arm. As many times as Maria assured me that it was an accident and I shouldn't be so down on myself, I could not get passed the feeling that I, in one instant, became a terrible father.

Maria was so calm and loving. I think Delia stayed calm because she was (plus her injury wasn't all that bad). But I know it was her patience and positive attitude that prevented me from punching myself in the face.

That is all pretty melodramatic, and I know that I am not a terrible father. I also know that in the long run, this won't be that big a deal. But, this is a first for me, so it feels pretty significant. I still feel guilty when I see her in her little cast. But, I know that I did perform the function of a parent. Yes, it was my actions that caused the injury (I will let the pacifier fall from now on), but I also did what needed to be done to heal our daughter, Maria and I both did. We love her so much that we would have done anything to make sure she was okay, even pay the ER co-pay.

No one will ever be a perfect parent. But it is what one does to correct the mistakes that are made that makes a good parent.

On the plus side, the cast looks a little bad ass. It also reminds me of those little crabs with the one big claw and the little claw, which I think is cute. Regardless of that, I would much rather she not need the cast.

Here is some video of Delia proving that this little cast isn't going to get in the way of rolling around. She is amazing.

October 31st

I love Halloween. It was so incredible to put on a costume and become one of your favorite characters or something you have always been fascinated by. I don’t remember being any character in particular, but I do regret not dressing as Batman or one of the Ninja Turtles (probably Raphael). And my favorite costume was a dinosaur costume that my mother made for me because I always loved dinosaurs (of course now it would have to be a shark costume, but my beautiful daughter achieved that dream for me).

In recent years when Halloween comes around I am no longer given the opportunity to put on a costume. Obviously Trick or Treating is no longer an option after the age of 26, and there isn’t a yearly Halloween party that my wife and I attend, so costumes don’t happen even though we would love them to.

Here is a brief list of costumes that I have wanted to wear the past few years but have not been able to:

The Unabomber
A Uvula


A 1975 Plymouth Valiant

A Platypus

Bill Pullman

But, there is one thing that I would never do, because I know that if I did this thing it would suck out all of the fun of putting a costume on, and that is . . . wearing a costume to work.

I saw a few people in costume today and I couldn’t help but envision how it would look for a person dressed as a bag of M&M’s to be sitting in a cubicle answering phone calls unenthusiastically. Would feeling like a bag of M&M’s make that more fun, or would being frustrated at a phone call make being dressed as a bag of M&M’s completely ridiculous.

Imagine a bag of M&M’s sitting in a cubicle yelling into the phone that the inter-office mail never got to where it was supposed to go and that now the inter-office mail has to get resent and everyone is now behind because it takes a few days for the inter-office mail to get where it is going. Do you feel better about the M&M costume? I wouldn’t.

Does it make sending an email better if you’re wearing cat ears and a furry vest? It just makes it sad, only because it is such a bland environment in the first place.

Maybe these folks are trying to brighten up their work day by doing something that they feel is fun. Maybe they love Halloween more than I do, and they actually have the courage to wear a costume to a place where most people would not or don’t have enough imagination to come up with a costume idea in the first place. I mean, the only costume I considered wearing today was to put on a tie and come to work as someone who actually gives a ---- about my job. So I would have to say, more power to you if you choose to wear a costume to work.

But, all I know is that if I came to work as a uvula it would be fun for maybe the first half an hour to an hour as people arrive at work and go, “Hey! Great uvula costume!” But then it’d be back to business and being a uvula would become hum drum and work would suck away all of the fun of wearing a costume.

This year to celebrate I have just decided to watch as many horror films as I can, and I think this will become my yearly tradition (much to the dismay of my lovely wife, who puts up with my love of the macabre and scary but does not share in it). Of course my other yearly tradition will be going with Maria and Delia out trick or treating (which I can not wait to do). And maybe, just maybe, when she is old enough, Delia will join Dad for the scary movie marathon every Halloween. Because by the time she is old enough for that, she probably won’t be trick or treating anymore.

To finish, I wanted to include one of my favorite scary stories when I was a kid (who am I kidding, I still love it). Happy Halloween!

Sounds

from More Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz

Illustrations by Stephen Gammell

The house was near the beach. It was a big old place where nobody had lived for years. From time to time somebody would force open a window or a door and spend the night there. But never longer.

Three fishermen caught in a storm took shelter there one night. With some dry wood they found inside, they made a fire in the fireplace. They lay down on the floor and tried to get some sleep, but none of them slept that night.

First they heard the footsteps upstairs. It sounded like there were several people moving back and forth, back and forth. When one of the fishermen called, "Who's up there?" the footsteps stopped. Then they heard a woman scream. The scream turned into a groan and died away. Blood began to drip from the ceiling into the room where the fishermen huddled. A small red pool formed on the floor and soaked into the wood.

A door upstairs crashed shut, and again the woman screamed. "Not me!" she cried. It sounded as if she was running, her high heels tapping wildly down the hall. "I'll get you!" a man shouted, and the floor shook as he chased her.

Then silence. There wasn't a sound until the sound of the man who had shouted began to laugh. Long peals of horrible laughter filled the house. It went on and on until the fishermen thought they would go mad.

When finally it stopped, the fishermen heard someone coming down the stairs dragging something heavy that bumped on each step. They heard him drag it through the front hall and out the front door. The door opened; then it slammed shut. Again, silence.

Suddenly a flash of lightening filled the house with a green blaze of light. A ghastly face stared at the fishermen from the hallway. Then came a crash of thunder. Terrified, they ran out into the storm.

Baby Study

Recently Maria and I received an letter from the University of MN congratulating us on our new born child and requesting our permission to allow them to experiment with our child and family. Of course we said yes! It's not very often you get a chance to be involved in a groundbreaking study at the U of MN.

An example of the wonderful studies coming out of the University was the one I was involved in when I was an undergrad.

They were testing whether or not being drunk had an effect on how you respond to certain stimuli. I could see this was extremely important study, even though I could probably have given them their answer right when I read the hypothesis . . . Yes! It does! But, this was going to be a new experience and some money in my pocket.

They had me do a couple of brain games, which I don't quite remember, and then we did the "Clockwork Orange" style portion of the study. After sensors were placed on my person and a conducting gel and cap full of sensors placed on my head, they showed my slide after slide. Some of the images were happy, i.e. puppies, children, candy, and so forth. Others were disturbing, i.e. riot scenes, dead bodies, mean dogs, etc. And others were sexual, i.e naked women, naked men, naked men and women together (you get the idea). And the creepy part about all of this was that the images were mixed, so one minute I was seeing naked people kissing, then a corpse, then a child smiling. I finished and left with a little extra cash and a new experience to learn from.

So that is why Maria and I didn't want to prevent Delia from having a new learning experience like I had. Obviously, not the same study, that would be a bit too much for her developing brain to handle. But, I did hack into the U of MN's research database and found a few experiments that I would like Delia to participate in. They are as follows:

The "Muscle Baby" Study:

This study is to determine whether or not a child's developing muscles can achieve tone and definition as well as added strength.

To do this they intend on giving each child a personal trainer who will do exercises and motivate the child. They will do push ups, pull ups, ab work, cardio (most likely on a bicycle), and weights.

I think Delia would benefit from this study especially if she gains strength. Because she will need that strength to keep boys scared of her. Also, I am pretty curious to find out how much she would be able to bench press after a few months of intense baby exercise. Maybe I could take her to the gym and be her spotter, that would look pretty odd.

The "Franco Effect" Study:

This study's purpose is to find out whether or not it is better to be really good at one thing, or to do a number of things poorly.

The name of this study is derived from the actor James Franco, who has tried, and in my opinion failed, at a large amount of creative ventures. So they would have one group of babies learning multiple skills while not really focusing on getting good at any one in particular to find out if there is one they excel in or if they are just terrible at all of them. And the other set of children would focus on one skill and see if they are amazing at that one thing, or if they would be better off working in an office.

The "Dancing Bear" Study:

The purpose of this study would be to find out if babies like videos of dancing bears.

They will play videos of dancing bears for the babies and see if they like it.

I may disguise myself as a baby just to be able to participate in this one.

The "Music of my Life" Study:

This study will try to determine whether or not a baby who listens to a certain type of music, despite the life they were born into, will being to believe that they are a part of that culture instead of their own.

A child will be placed in a isolated chamber and played a certain style of music exclusively. Obviously they will be visited by their parents and others who will feed and care for them. But those visiting are not allowed to try to influence their baby in any way or give them any family history. This will go on for the child'smost formative years. After the necessary period of time the child will be released into society to find out what culture they identify with. Is our culture learned or genetic? That is a question this study desires to answer.

An example of some of the styles of music the child would be exposed to; rock and roll, heavy metal, punk rock, classical, jazz, hip hop, gangster rap, soul, pop music, polka, and so on.

My hope is to get Delia listening to jazz in this study. I think a baby that could scat would be adorable. I guess they kind of do that anyway, but not with the necessary style.

Paternity Leave - The Finale

Today marks the end of my two weeks of paternity leave. I have mixed feelings.

Part of me is a little relieved. It is extremely stressful taking care of a baby full time. I don't feel the need to mark any specific examples (besides the pee geyser which, thinking back, was more funny than stressful), but just being responsible for another life has so much pressure built into it, and added to that is the pressure of not blowing it, all the while the child is screaming for no discernible reason and all that can be done is guess at what they want. I never wanted someone to be able to communicate so badly. I think that was the worst part of it to me . . . not being able to ask Delia,

"what do you need? I am more than happy to get it for you, just tell me what you want."

And have her say, "Well, stupid, I shat in my pants a couple moments ago, so if you wouldn't mind getting that taken care of that would be great!"

"Great!" I would say, "I can do that for you. Thanks for telling me, despite the obvious attitude."

Also, I think I went through my mourning period for Maria and I's independent life. I miss it . . . a lot. Just being able to come home and enjoy each others company without anything else to focus on. But, this is bringing growth and (I didn't know that this was possible) more love to our relationship. I can not begin to express how much Maria means to me, and seeing that we haven't killed each other in the past 8 weeks takes away the worry of us killing each other for the next several years.

Another part of me is sad that this time I had with Delia is over. It has been incredible to be here to watch her grow and participate in her early life in such a significant way, even though she has no idea (that I know of) that 'dad' was the one fiddling with her the past two weeks. It has just been a really good way for me to bond with her. To start with, since Maria was home with her and essentially the only one feeding her, there was a certain distance there. But, I think this helped to close that particular gap for me.

It is somehow much more difficult to express the joy that I have felt these past two weeks. So I am just going to include this little video I took of Delia this morning. This says more than I ever could about how wonderful she is and how happy Maria and I are to be able to call her our daughter.

I just want to express my extreme thanks to Maria for putting up with me these past two weeks, and helping me build my baby confidence in leaps and bounds. You are definitely my better half.

And thank you, Delia, from the bottom of my heart, for simply being here and enriching our lives in unknown and infinite ways.

Oh, and since I have been home with her, Delia has watched nearly the entire Stanley Kubrick film catalog. I think her favorite was Full Metal Jacket, which surprised me. Delia is just brimmed full of surprises . . . just like her mother.

a brief history of Delia Arlette Schultz

On July 17th, 2011 Maria Arlette Schultz, after 21 hours of labor, gave birth to Delia Arlette Schultz at 9:37 PM. Maria was incredible throughout the labor and I could not have been more proud and amazed by her. She is an incredible woman that I am all too blessed to call my "ol' ball and chain". (I've never called her that, in most cases I refer to her as "my marvelous wife" unless I am talking to her directly, then I just call her Maria.)

The moment Delia emerged I was overwhelmed with joy, both that she was here and she was amazing, but also that Maria could finally be done with the major pain that is active labor. Those hours were frantic and it all felt so surreal. There is no way I can try to explain what I was feeling then, especially since it's been so long. All I can say is this, after the initial rush of unfathomable joy, what was left in me . . . was fear.

I did not sleep at all that night. All I did was worry about Delia, worry about Maria, worry about our future as a family, and whether or not this was something that I could do. Of course I wanted children, of course I was excited that she was here and I could hold her, but no matter of preparation could have made me completely comfortable with the fact that Maria and I (mostly Maria (just joking)) are responsible for an entire human life. Not just the baby years, not just toddler time, an entire life. It's still overwhelming when I think of it that way, but now it excites me, to think of the possibilities of Delia's life. She, literally, could do anything. And it will be fun to see who she becomes.

The past 6 weeks have been pretty great, for the most part. The first day home was stressful and terrible. But, as time goes on, the more we develop the necessary skills and enjoy our time with Delia, watching her change and grow and gain weight (just like her dad). She is beginning to smile a lot, just not quite on purpose yet, and she has started to coo a little bit. It's amazing how such little changes make such a big difference.

Today I started my paternity leave of two weeks. Two weeks of just Dad and Delia. I was worried at first, and will continue to be only less so as the days progress. But, there was a moment today, just after I had fed her for the second time, that she fell asleep on my chest after I had burped her. Immediately my mind went to all of the things I should be doing; laundry, house cleaning, bill paying, etc. But, then I looked out the patio window, which was open and a breeze was coming in, and a beautiful song by Bjork came on, I watched the leaves quiver in the wind and felt Delia breathing on my chest, and I knew that nothing was more important than that moment. It was just a man and his daughter relaxing on a sunny summer day. The only thing that would have made it better was if Maria had been there, sleeping on the couch (or making me a sandwich (of course I am kidding)).

We are a family, and I can not wait for every little moment like that. Because that's what makes all of the stress worth it.

"now that you're three months old i think it would be good for you to start thinking about what you want to do with your life."

Maria had a text book from her undergraduate studies that she gave me to read since we will soon become parents, Parenting in Contemporary Society. When she handed me the book she did not say, "you need to read this because of the two of us you have the higher chance of f---ing this up." She just gave it to me because she thought I might find it interesting, and I have.

I have only made it to page 6 (it's pretty dense (a.k.a. little letters)). But in those six pages it has managed to both excite and worry me a great deal. I especially enjoyed the part about how many marriages suffer because of children. Lucky for us we are having this child to solve the problems we are having. Of course I am kidding, I love Maria so much it hurts and I will love the little lady a huge amount as well. I know there is going to be stressful situations, and stress placed on the marriage, but we love each other (and our soon-to-be new born child) enough to get through it, with the help of God.

But, what I found really interesting was the reasons that people have children.

"The subjects in the . . . study saw parenthood as a way to contribute to society, achieve immortality, experience love and life's fuller meaning, remember and re experience their own childhood, achieve sex role fulfillment, stimulate feelings of pride, and achieve personal growth."

Some of these seemed surprisingly selfish to me. For example, to achieve personal growth or to stimulate feelings of pride. Those may be valid reasons for some, and please if you had children for those reasons please don't be mad at me, but to achieve personal growth wouldn't it be easier to take a pottery class in the evenings or take up jogging? Those could also stimulate feelings of pride. "I jogged a marathon today" or "My pottery will be featured in this months Pots on Pots magazine" (which is a magazine which features artful pottery placed on toilets, classy). I'm swelling with pride just pretending to have accomplished those things.

But, then I think about it, why am I having a child? I am not going to presume to know Maria's reasons. But I will say that she is the most caring and loving person, so I bet it is so she has a little human doll. Just kidding. Maria loves children and is going to be an amazing mother, and I am sure her reasons are nothing but noble.

I don't know if I can pin down my "one reason" that I want this child. For a while I didn't think I would ever have children because I wouldn't ever get married. But, when Maria and I started dating that all changed. I could see myself getting married, then we got married. Then I could see myself having a child, but, to be honest, the excitement about having a child didn't really hit me until after we found out Maria was pregnant. Before that happens, it's just a vague idea. "Yeah, we would like to have children some day." You think about having a baby for a little while, then you get excited about taking your older kids camping or knife throwing (that last one might just be for Maria and I, who are both avid knife tossers). Then you think about the teen years and how much fun that will be.

Then you start trying and it gets a little more real, but it still doesn't hit home. Then it happens. Your wife calls you at work one day with news that blindsides you with joy and fear and you sit in a conference room stunned, trying to wrap your head around the idea that you will both be responsible for a human life. It's difficult to describe, but your heart is full of love and your head is full of worry. At that point I didn't entertain the thought "why do I want kids." At that point it's, "we are having a child, can we do that?" Well, too late for that now. We can and we will and we will do our best.

Why? I like the statement that it's to "experience love and life's fuller meaning." I have experienced love throughout my life, my mom and dad (who are going to be incredible grandparents), my brother (the best uncle ketchup could ask for), my beautiful wife, her parents (already awesome grandparents and will continue to be so), her sister and her husband (magnificent aunt and uncle), our niece and nephew (cool cousins), and all of our friends (loving pep peps and TBA auntie nickname), and our families (great extensions). But, this will be a love that I can not even conceive of right now. Just feeling her kick Maria in her uterus (way to go little lady!) I feel my heart well up in a way that is new to me. I have a feeling this is as close as I will ever get to the way God feels about us, and that will shed a new light on a faith that can only grow.

There is no doubt that this will show "life's fuller meaning" in a way that I won't comprehend until I am in it, or even after she has moved off to join a convent (men are evil, Little Lady, don't forget it). I am excited to find out how much she will teach us, probably more than we will teach her. I am excited to see how much like Maria and I she will be, but even more so how different she will be. I am just so excited to meet this new person and I pray that I don't screw her up by letting her watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Ren and Stimpy with me. We won't get into the Stanley Kubrick films until she's at least 12.

I do know one thing that I want to teach her though, and this refers to the title of this blog ("finally!" say the reader(s)), I want her to start thinking about what she wants to do with her life earlier than I did, what her calling is. Do not misinterpret, I love my life. I couldn't ask for anything better. Only in the work department do I feel a little disheartened at times. And this is not the end of the line. I will not be there forever, I will find something that makes me happy to do 8 hours a day. Even if it is being a stay at home dad (breadwinner Maria, make this happen *wink*) which I would love.

I just want my child to know that it is important to think about what calling she feels that she is being drawn to. What path she is being lead to take. What work would make her heart full. And, no doubt, she will be amazing at whatever it is and Maria and I will support her in her dreams. Even if all she wants to do is cure cancer, even something as minuscule as that, we will be proud of her.

Just thinking about our daughter pursuing her dreams makes me want to work at achieving mine (whatever they may be, I'm a little preoccupied at the moment). And I will.

Maybe this is what the book meant by "achieve personal growth", having this child makes me want to become a better person so that she has someone to look up to. Maria has that in the bag, I will do my best to make that happen on my end.

I love you little lady, I hope to meet you soon.

Maria, a special message to you . . .

"Push her out, push her out, WAAAAAAAAAAAAY OUT!"

reflections on prenatal classes

Maria and I finished our 6 week crash course in labor and parenting tonight. We went to six 2 1/2 hour classes, and 4 out of the six were devoted to labor.

The first night was designed to scare the s--- out of you. In giving a brief introduction to the process of labor, we were immediately overwhelmed by the process and wished we had not signed up for the class. I don't remember anything really specific about it, probably because it was traumatic and I fought to forget everything I heard.

The next couple of nights served to calm us down a bit and ease our concerns about whether or not we could do this. It was helpful to get the calming techniques and a little bit more of an idea about what to expect and how to deal with different situations. I did take things seriously for the most part . . . but I did get scolded by Maria whilst practicing some breathing because I kept cracking jokes. In my defense, I was in a room full of pregnant women and their baby daddies who are all swaying and breathing in patterns. I was uncomfortable, so I made jokes. Come show time, I will probably not find anything funny about it so I will just focus. But, I do understand why she was frustrated, and even though she was a little annoyed at me, she still laughed at my jokes.

We did learn about drugs and c-sections . . . and this is what I got out of it: regardless of how easy one tries to make it, there is no really easy way to give birth to a living human. I am so proud of Maria for her bravery and determination in the face of something that seems impossible. She is an amazing woman . . . and she has lived with me for over 3 years (the pain and suffering from that experience would probably prepare her to become an octo-mom).

The fifth night was "taking care of your new born". This was only given one night, so it must not be very important, although it was to me. Keeping this child alive is goal number one. I think goal number two is using the term "buccal swab" as much as possible. I learned it that night and have been annoying Maria with it ever since (she is such a trooper). I don't know why, but it just struck me as hilarious. If you want to know what it means, just ask. I have one scheduled for next week (just to be sure).

This evening was about breast feeding. At first I thought it was strange that an entire class would be devoted to learning what to feed breasts . . . but then I understood. Silly me.

One quick note to all the "fathers to be" in the class . . . shut the f--- up. You may think you have a funny comment, but you don't. I know you want all the other guys in the class to think you are going to be the cool dad, or you don't want people to know you actually care about becoming a parent so you make little comments about hooking your Playstation up to the television in the hospital's birthing room whilst your wife gives birth. Why don't you "man" up and do the adult thing and listen? You're going to be a father soon, and you can have a lot of fun doing that. But along with that fun comes a huge responsibility, so quit making stupid jokes about drinking and listen. I know I have probably made some jokes about parenting that someone will come back at me with . . . but even though I have a sense of humor about this process, that doesn't mean I am not taking this deadly seriously.

okay, that last paragraph was a tad harsh, maybe those dumb jokes are their way of coping with what is a confusing and stressful time, but that doesn't make it any less annoying to me.

All that said, it was a good experience and Maria and I can not wait to meet the little lady (not too early, and not too late though)! I can't even describe how happy we both are, and scared, and stressed, and ecstatic, and all sorts of emotions. But, when she emerges from the womb, and I am revived from the fainting spell I will inevitably have, Maria and I will be the two happiest people in the world. It will be amazing to look at our daughter and see a future full of possibilities, hope, and most of all, love. We are going to be blubbering messes (happy tears) . . . please bring some tissues if you plan on visiting the hospital.

*a quick note on the picture, this is the men learning how to be chairs.

"The opposite of faith is not doubt: It is certainty."

quote from an unknown source heard whilst listening to two Jesuit priests discussing science and religion.

let's watch something else *warning - explicit images*

So, as many of you know, Maria and I are expecting a child. Which is exciting, joyful, scary, and stressful all at the same time. We are both doing what we can to prepare for our heir to come in July. There is so much to do, and so much to learn, before we can feel as ready as possible to become parents. And as we try and learn as much as we can, we also see the benefit of trying to avoid some of the horror stories out there that would really just make us worry more than we already are/need to.

So, to avoid this unnecessary worry, I have compiled a list of movies I am going to avoid watching until the big day. Here is the first:

This film features Gina Davis giving birth to a fly larvae and as you can see in the photo below, it is kind of disturbing. It turns out in the movie that (spoiler alert) it is just a nightmare. But, even so, who is to say this might not happen to us? I don't know if I have any genetic mutations, but I did spend a lot of time near radioactive material when I was a child. But, if I am a mutant, we would just hope that our child has super powers instead of turning out to be a human baby size maggot.

Of course Maria and I are not going to have a maggot baby, but if I were to watch that movie, I would be more concerned about having a maggot baby than I would need to. So, let's watch something else.

The next film:

Maria might want me to watch this one because of the scene in which a man finally feels the pain of birth (of course it is an alien monster tearing it's way out of his chest, this is not the natural course). But, as much as Maria would want me to, I am going to avoid watching it because it would hit a little too close to home. And, in an irrational way, it would probably get me to thinking, "what if the baby did decide to come out of Maria's chest?" I like Maria too much to even entertain the thought, and that would probably mean that our child is an alien monster. No one wants that.

I hope sympathy pains don't get this extreme. Let's watch something else.

The next film:

I am going to avoid this one, not because macaulay culkin plays an evil child, but because macaulay culkin is in it. It would bother me to have a child that turned out like macaulay culkin. Scary.

Let's watch something else.

The last film:

This is a film about a killer baby. Pure an simple, I would not want our baby to kill people. That would be a real bummer. "Hey, here's our pride and joy. Don't get too close, it'll eat your face." Anyway, if our baby was homicidal, I would hope that it is a little cuter than the murderous baby below. People would probably be a little more forgiving of a killer baby if it leaned to the cute side.

But, I just don't want to worry about having a killer baby. So let's watch something else.

happy new year

Happy new year from Benny Banjo. His new year resolution? To not change a damn thing.