swimming in a sea of love and suffering: Matt Lauer

There was a story on the Today show that aired on the morning of July 29th about a few bears attacking campers in Yellowstone National Park. There was one fatality and two injuries. As of this morning they had not found the bears that had attacked the campers. But, an official spoke on behalf of the park about the measures being taken to control the situation. Specifically, they closed all of the camp grounds and began a major search for any bear in the area. After the interview, Matt Lauer made a simple statement. He said,

"It sounds like they are taking all the right steps."

The show then continued to be terrible. But this statement struck me as odd. How would Matt Lauer know what the "right steps" would be to control possible bear attack? Does he have some sort of experience with bears that the public does not know about? So I asked him.

Below is the transcript from an interview I did with Matt Lauer concerning his amazing bear controlling skills.

In the photo above Matt Lauer explains how he calms a bear down by squeezing it's playful parts.

Adam: Matthew, may I call you Matthew?

Matthew: Yes you may.

A: Matthew, how did you first become interested in bears and bear controlling.

M: I was about 7 and my family went camping, in a forrest somewhere, and a bear wandered into our camp because it could smell the bacon I was looking at. It came at me in a relatively aggressive way and my dad shot it in the belly. It took quite a while for it to die, and as I sat and watched it struggle I tried to calm it down. I sang to it, petted it, but eventually calmed it down by squeezing it's playful parts. The bear then seemed to go very peacefully into the next world. So, I began my studies of the bear after that experience.

A: You said you sang it a song . . . what song was it?

M: "The wheels on the bus." by the Rolling Stones.

A: Since you had such a love of bears, how did you end up in Television news? Sorry, I didn't mean to say news. It really isn't news is it, it's kind of a glorified TMZ.

M: Correct. I focused my energy on bears and their playful parts all through college and worked in a lot of campsites in known bear country finding bears and calming them down. As I developed this skill, I learned how to control potentially dangerous bear situations. But, I was also becoming very interested in Television news and the wonderful clothes involved.

A: The clothes made you interested in working on Television?

M: Yes, doing my bear calming job I did not wear any clothes. Well, except for some shorts, in case I came across any campers. So when I saw the pretty suits, I just became enthralled by it. So I started doing Television news the next day.

A: That happened pretty quick for you.

M: Any idiot can do it.

A: I bet it takes real skill to "bear whisper".

M: It does. And, I still "whisper" bears every now and again to make sure I keep those muscles toned, if you know what I mean. But, really, it's kind of in my muscle memory. I will never forget the experiences I have had with bears.

A: And I am sure the bears will always remember the experiences they have had with you.

M: I made sure of that.

A: Do you stay in touch with any of the bears you used to calm?

M: There are a few that I have been able to stay friends with . . . but for the most part no. It's just that bear life and man life don't really mix all that well sometimes. I mean, would a bear be able to behave in a restaurant?

A: In my opinion, no.

M: You're absolutely right. I could calm the bear down, but that would make everyone else in the restaurant uncomfortable and scared. And since I am a part of the news media I see it as part of my job to not frighten people unnecessarily.

A: You are very noble.

M: I am aware of that, thank you.

In the end, this interview showcased for me the expertise that is hidden in our news anchors. When they make those comments at the end of the story, they know what they are talking about. So in summation I would like to say . . . trust the news media, otherwise we will all die from the trace amounts of rat poison that are in our face soap that we didn't know was there but is, and every time we wash our face we ingest it.