Baby Study

Recently Maria and I received an letter from the University of MN congratulating us on our new born child and requesting our permission to allow them to experiment with our child and family. Of course we said yes! It's not very often you get a chance to be involved in a groundbreaking study at the U of MN.

An example of the wonderful studies coming out of the University was the one I was involved in when I was an undergrad.

They were testing whether or not being drunk had an effect on how you respond to certain stimuli. I could see this was extremely important study, even though I could probably have given them their answer right when I read the hypothesis . . . Yes! It does! But, this was going to be a new experience and some money in my pocket.

They had me do a couple of brain games, which I don't quite remember, and then we did the "Clockwork Orange" style portion of the study. After sensors were placed on my person and a conducting gel and cap full of sensors placed on my head, they showed my slide after slide. Some of the images were happy, i.e. puppies, children, candy, and so forth. Others were disturbing, i.e. riot scenes, dead bodies, mean dogs, etc. And others were sexual, i.e naked women, naked men, naked men and women together (you get the idea). And the creepy part about all of this was that the images were mixed, so one minute I was seeing naked people kissing, then a corpse, then a child smiling. I finished and left with a little extra cash and a new experience to learn from.

So that is why Maria and I didn't want to prevent Delia from having a new learning experience like I had. Obviously, not the same study, that would be a bit too much for her developing brain to handle. But, I did hack into the U of MN's research database and found a few experiments that I would like Delia to participate in. They are as follows:

The "Muscle Baby" Study:

This study is to determine whether or not a child's developing muscles can achieve tone and definition as well as added strength.

To do this they intend on giving each child a personal trainer who will do exercises and motivate the child. They will do push ups, pull ups, ab work, cardio (most likely on a bicycle), and weights.

I think Delia would benefit from this study especially if she gains strength. Because she will need that strength to keep boys scared of her. Also, I am pretty curious to find out how much she would be able to bench press after a few months of intense baby exercise. Maybe I could take her to the gym and be her spotter, that would look pretty odd.

The "Franco Effect" Study:

This study's purpose is to find out whether or not it is better to be really good at one thing, or to do a number of things poorly.

The name of this study is derived from the actor James Franco, who has tried, and in my opinion failed, at a large amount of creative ventures. So they would have one group of babies learning multiple skills while not really focusing on getting good at any one in particular to find out if there is one they excel in or if they are just terrible at all of them. And the other set of children would focus on one skill and see if they are amazing at that one thing, or if they would be better off working in an office.

The "Dancing Bear" Study:

The purpose of this study would be to find out if babies like videos of dancing bears.

They will play videos of dancing bears for the babies and see if they like it.

I may disguise myself as a baby just to be able to participate in this one.

The "Music of my Life" Study:

This study will try to determine whether or not a baby who listens to a certain type of music, despite the life they were born into, will being to believe that they are a part of that culture instead of their own.

A child will be placed in a isolated chamber and played a certain style of music exclusively. Obviously they will be visited by their parents and others who will feed and care for them. But those visiting are not allowed to try to influence their baby in any way or give them any family history. This will go on for the child'smost formative years. After the necessary period of time the child will be released into society to find out what culture they identify with. Is our culture learned or genetic? That is a question this study desires to answer.

An example of some of the styles of music the child would be exposed to; rock and roll, heavy metal, punk rock, classical, jazz, hip hop, gangster rap, soul, pop music, polka, and so on.

My hope is to get Delia listening to jazz in this study. I think a baby that could scat would be adorable. I guess they kind of do that anyway, but not with the necessary style.