abilities

"will there ever be a boy born that can swim faster than a shark?"

Gareth, from BBC's "The Office"

i have always liked this quote, for obvious reasons, it is funny and it has to do with sharks, but the last time i heard it made me think about something else. it made me think about my abilities. what skill do i have that i excel at? even abilities in general, about the abilities of those who surround me. how do these things make us stand out amongst this never ending sea of people trying to stand out themselves.

this boy, if he is ever born, would have an amazing swimming ability that would set him apart in an amazing way. just imagining someone racing a shark makes me wish it were me. but that would mean that i have to swim constantly and work harder on that than i am used to. but i don't think amazing ability is taught, there has to be something ingrained somehow. a gift of skill, maybe some physical or spiritual attribute that makes someone excel at something. if i were meant to be an incredible swimmer maybe i would be born hairless, that sort of thing. piano players with spindly fingers, tall basketball players, scientists with larger than normal brains. i can spot these things in others but very rarely do i spot it within myself.

i can listen to a CD and hear inspiration and skill, i can look at a painting and see that artistic touch that i never would have come up with, i can read a book and be blown away by the emotional depth or new idea that i never would have been able to create. i can look at my wife and see her incredible way with children, which leads logically to her being an amazing teacher. i can look at my brother and see his writing ability, which would lead him to be a great writer. i can look at most people and see their particular skill and see how that is going to guide them to a career in which they will excel. a career that will hopefully fulfill them and make them happy. then i try to look inward . . . and it doesn't go so well.

this is not meant to be a poor me blog. i am only saying that i struggle with seeing my own special skill, and i think that that is a normal thing. alot of people struggle to discover what they are truly good at. i think i dabble. i play the drums well, i write decently, i am a good bank teller, i work well with people. but i sometimes feel like i don't have a skill that takes me above and beyond. something that makes it obvious what i should be pursuing as far as my career. i am able to do alot of little things just well enough. where is that drive to be the best? what is holding me back from putting my whole effort into one of those things that i am okay at? i think i would feel a stronger push towards any one of these things if it was my calling. i just think that i haven't quite landed upon it yet. i know part of it, being a good and loving husband, and someday a father. i think i am developing those skills on a daily basis, and both are things that i want to be. but what about the rest of it? how am i to fulfill my career path?

i think i need to focus on what i am passionate about. i need to look into those things that make my heart skip alittle when i think about them. of course, this isn't that easy. sacrifices would be made, hard decisions come with it. it helps that maria and i are supports for each other. this time of transition is so difficult for everyone, i am just glad i am blessed to be with someone who will be a rock of support instead of one weighing be down. both of our families are there for us as well as our tight circle of friends. the problem is myself, my doubts and insecurities causing me to stay stagnant and fearful of really taking chances. nothing is gained if nothing is risked. i just pray that God will guide through with grace and love.

i still need to discover that one thing that i am passionate about doing, the place where i feel i could do some good, and pursue it regardless of the risks. hopefully i will succeed, even if i don't i will have learned something and will know that much more about what i would want to do. but, if i do succeed, i hope i understand that i am not the best at what i do, but that i do my very best.

i think i rambled a bit much, i am sorry. just to clarify, i do think that people aren't just boiled down to one skill. everyone has many different things that they are good at. but i do see that the one thing that people do excel at tends to be what they pursue as a career. so i guess that is where my mind was going with this. sorry. God bless.